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Information Packet - The Rewards
Being a foster parent for five years has been an incredible growing experience. I thought I had a lot to offer a hurting child, but instead found out that a child in need had a lot to offer me too. Foster mothering means I have the opportunity to 'start over' each time a child arrives- my parenting skills are continually improving. But it also means having to start over with putting together a schedule, teaching our routine, and overcoming behavioral problems. Being a foster mother means holding in my hurt as I comfort a crying child who only wants his mommy. It means being hated at times, kicked at, hit at, cursed at, and spit on. It means turning the other cheek, and holding the hurting one against my body. It means feeling good that this child feels safe enough to let his anger explode, and all the while I'm falling in love with him. As a foster mom I do the normal things like fix meals and "owwies", do the laundry and dishes, change diapers, clean house, and am exhausted by the end of the day, but I also know I am changing a child's life. I am putting a window in their little life that they will be able to look through forever. I have experienced the wonder of a hurting child singing in the shower for the first time, I have seen the look of pride on a little one who received his first pair of new shoes, and I have heard a child who experts thought could never read, pick up a book and read it to us. I have seen children realize for the first time they are special and loved– that they can have big dreams and reach for the biggest and brightest stars. As a foster mom I am supported by caring people who go far and above what is expected to meet each child's needs. I have seen and am overwhelmed by the giving that takes place by so many to make sure the children are not in want, the goodness of those who share their blessings. I am moved as these precious children's lives are touched by the love, and I watch as it slowly erases the bad, the anger, and the hurt, to be replaced with peace. I have learned to give all my time and to keep time to myself; to be rigid and to be flexible; I have learned to have fun and learned to hurt; learned to advise and learned to listen with ears and heart. I have also felt the anguishing heartbreak as a child, my child now, leaves our home. But there is joy mixed with sadness. It is a time of happiness and excitement, because I have done my job; a family is reunited. I say good-bye, and I pray that their lives will have been better for what we've done together. I pray they will never forget the dreams, the values, and our love. After the goodbyes, foster mothering has helped me to learn to move on, to get ready for whatever may be next– always with open arms, an open heart, and most importantly always with unconditional love as I start over again.
I sincerely apologize to the woman I, umm, tapped -- OK slapped -- in the grocery store last week. I just didn't realize how angry I was over her comment. There I was standing in line with my bread, minding my own business, when she said to her companion, "I can't believe she wants to be a foster mom. You just don't know what you'll get in your home." I meant to tap -- but I think it was more of a slap -- to get her attention. "Excuse me? But I AM a foster child," I said to her. "I am a mother of five contributing members to society, grandmother of three. My husband works for a prominent construction company and I have a degree in journalism. I am not scum. I am not to blame for my parents' mistakes." I don't know who was more shocked -- me, the woman or the cashier. My family has known for years that I lived in a foster home for about a year when I was a teenager. My foster mom and I now visit at least once a year. My own mom and I talk weekly. Connie Emerson of West Haven made the difference. If there wasn't a foster care system, I am certain my life would have been very different. The system provided counseling and parenting classes for my mom and step-dad. It also provided counseling for me to help me understand I was not responsible for my parents' actions. Connie provided a safe haven. Connie, who is 14 years older than me, taught me to drive a car and a motorcycle. She sent me out on my first date and hugged me two dates later after he dumped me. Connie encouraged my writing, insisted on me doing homework, introduced me to pizza, allowed me to wear a mini skirt that wasn't too short, acquainted me with the Moody Blues and taught me how to put on make-up in a way that I didn't look like a floozy. And we both cried when it was time for me to go back home. I love my parents and I know they did the best they could with the knowledge of parenting they had at the time. But I am grateful the foster care system was there to help a family in crisis. In Utah there are over 2,000 kids in the foster care system each year. The hardest ones to place are children over the age of 7, including teenagers. I hope someday I can give back what Connie gave to me. But right now, I am hoping there are families in this area willing to take a chance, not just with a cute, cuddly baby, but with a teenager who doesn't trust or hug anymore. Like other parents, I do worry about the influence a stranger may have on my family, but the majority of kids, including teenagers, who need a home are good human beings who need love and a chance. Who knows? The kid may be an aspiring journalist. Growing up with Foster Children There are memorable events in a child’s life, no matter how old the child is. These events are usually The idea of becoming a foster family seemed to be the end of my world. I thought it would surely ruin our wonderful, blissful home. My naive fourth grade viewpoint was slightly inaccurate. Admittedly, I refused. I had no desire to allow strange kids into my house and into my family. These kids would take attention away from me! I didn’t understand why my parents thought we needed to be punished this way. Fortunately, my parents went against my wishes and after a few months two sisters, 6 and 10 years old, moved into my family. Strangers in my house, eating my food, playing with my toys, riding my horses. To my utter surprise, these girls were fun. They got to know our family and became part of it. These kids were unlike my sister and brothers since they never experienced the stability of a healthy family. My parents have provided a home for many more girls for more than 10 years and still continue today. Each one left a special memory in my mind (amazingly, not all bad!). When I moved away from home to go to college, I realized what I had gained from the experience. I’m able to understand different people—where they come from, why they dress the way they do, and why they feel the way they do. Sympathizing with people and their situations is easier for me. I also feel more confident in my family and my values. These attributes, I believe, I gained through living with kids from different backgrounds. Throughout my childhood, I often felt that I was giving up so much for these girls. I thought I was sacrificing my youth. While this may be true in some cases, ultimately the new understanding I gained of myself and others prevailed over the sacrifices. The lessons I learned about life from these foster siblings are priceless. I think I came away from this experience with at least as much—perhaps more—than those with whom I shared a part of my growing up years. The experience provided me with the most realistic, eye opening experience of my life. The choice to become a foster family felt as though it would destroy my blissful existence, but instead, it enriched and enhanced my life. Each family has different reasons for accepting foster children into their home. It’s important to understand most of these children require more attention and sacrifice than children raised in their families of origin. However, becoming a foster family has hidden rewards; you see the change, you see the growth. If you are contemplating becoming a foster family, look to what you and your children can gain from the experience, not what you’ll be sacrificing.
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A Foster Mother's Story by: Deena Murray 
“Children in Foster Care Deserve a Chance”